Episode Transcript
My name is Ken Hanman, and this is my wife, Dr. Anne, who here, we both work in healthcare and have been meditating for many years. We also enjoy a happy and fulfilling marriage. Come listen and see how to demystify spirituality and bring it into your home, your hearts, and in all your relationships. We will share our experiences and how we use these principles in everyday life. Welcome to the spiritual relationship. Hello everyone. Welcome to the podcast, the Spiritual Relationship. My name is Ken Hanuman and this is my wife, Dr. Anne O'Hare. And today's topic is Caring for aging parents. We usually like to look at things from a spiritual perspective. Looking at the karma that underlines these relationships and why I do that, why we do that is because in any relationship, if you do things because you know you are gaining something from it, there's something for you in it. There's some learning or strengthening or understanding, that grows something that is there for you., then the activities that you perform, let's say taking care of your aging, parent, their finances, their emotional wellbeing, their healthcare issues,, you don't want to experience it as burdensome. Something that you have to endure or is so difficult or you don't want that feeling of being burnt out. So one way it's that spirituality really, really helps., and I can tell you this from experiences and I think Anne can do the same where there is always something for you in there. And this is why we are offering this to you. Yeah. I, I, I hope my dad's not watching this, or maybe I hope he is watching it, but my dad is, 78. He's elderly and he's doing well, and he lives alone. My mom passed three years ago and, He was hoping to outlive her. I mean, I'm sorry. He was hoping that she would outlive him, but that didn't happen. So his plan was kind of foiled because he expected to go, but now he's alone, so I'm actually taking care of him. Ken's helping my son, Joey, his grandson is there and it really is an opportunity. So when anybody who's out there. Any relationship can feel like a burden, anything new, forget relationship. Anything new can feel like, oh, now I gotta do this, or I gotta adjust, or whatever. Like you almost feel like it's a disruption. Anything new can feel like a disruption. And technically it is, isn't it? But sometimes we look at disruption as a negative. It would help us, like Ken was sharing with the Law of Karma to understand that any, what we would call disruption or anything new is also an opportunity. It's not necessarily negative. And I can share from, this experience with my dad. I feel that every relationship is actually an opportunity for you to get over the negative aspects of your own personality. Yes, exactly. I agree. I, I just wanna say that because. You can't really escape your family. And in this podcast we're talking about family mostly. Yes. I mean, we will talk about, you know, work and stuff like that and self-care, which I believe is the next episode. And we talk about self-care, but family has its own set of feelings with, it has its own set of rules to it, and you can't really escape your family. Even if you go no contact, let's say there's a situation where you really feel for your own mental wellbeing that you need to get completely away. They're still your family. Yeah. Even if you never speak to them again for as long as you live, which, you know, I wouldn't recommend that, you know, unless it's necessary for your health. But I wouldn't recommend that. But, you never stop being a family, right? So that's a definite thing to keep in mind when we talk about this. Transition of being an adult and now having to turn around and take care of your parents. You spend half your life becoming independent from them. Now all of a sudden, not only do I have to be there, but it's a challenge. It's like it's, I was saying to Ken earlier, it's like a child, but a little different because with a child, a child doesn't have like the back experiences. A child doesn't have like. Things of loss to deal with or, you know, the child doesn't expect to be dying soon. I mean, you know, it's like a totally the opposite. But some of the things with the child and the parent, a aging parent, are the same. They need support. They need emotional support. They need financial help, whether it's actual financial giving or financial managing. Yeah. Yes. They need help with their healthcare. You have to help them manage their healthcare. You know why? And I'm gonna tell you my experience, parents should be able to finish anybody, everybody. Everybody should be able to finish their life in a peaceful way and not feel overburdened. Because the natural thing as you get older is you become more tired, you become less able to handle things, you become less, you know, you become less engaged, and that's a natural thing. We have a very, in this culture, we have a very, specific attitude about old people because there's so much emphasis on, what you can provide in the community or what you can achieve. There's so much emphasis on the middle part of life. Okay, so children have one set of rules. Then the middle part of life is where you actually can make money, you can contribute, you can do whatever. That's what's valued. But then when you get older, it's like there's no value but the natural. Now, let's talk about what's natural. What's natural as a child is that you're innocent or whatever, and you need, and you have to take or whatever, but eventually you grow up and become independent. The elderly person is essentially losing their independence. Yeah, because of the natural withdrawal from that productive part time of life, they're becoming less physically productive. But shouldn't they feel okay? Shouldn't they be able to feel like they're still relevant? Shouldn't they feel loved? Shouldn't they feel like they're still valued in life? And Shouldn't they have the opportunity to feel like their life meant something? And I'm a little emotional 'cause this is really tough. This is really happening for me right now. That, that whatever the burden might feel like, there's an opportunity for you to really give to somebody. Forget about the past. You really have an opportunity to make a difference for somebody. And I think, like we, we work with VA patients, right? Yeah. And in the veterans affairs, there's high incidences of suicide. Yes. And a lot of their complaints would be loneliness. It's really, not easy, not that can't be easy situation. You know it's not. But I want to say something about the loneliness and what you do about it, because this is the weird part about. Being the adult child, taking care of the elderly parent. Sometimes they want you and sometimes they don't. And you gotta deal with that. Like, like sometimes it'll be like, you know, they're lonely and you feel like, okay, good. If I'm there like three times a week, then that'll take care of their loneliness. And then I'm like, okay, dad, I'm coming over. He's like, nah, it's all right. I don't, I'm like, you know. Yeah. So it's really like you have to allow. Them to still be who they are. But that's how child behave too. Child are like that too. It's like they want, they need your help. And then sometimes, you know, I got it, you know? Yeah. Right. Leave me alone. So it's a wonderful opportunity to be available, to be, uh, be there and also to help heal and help support through those challenges of that time of life. Forget that they're your parents for a minute. What a great opportunity to help somebody. Yeah. Really? 'cause you do have to forget that they're your parent actually. You actually have to forget that because a parent is, is an authority figure. Right? So let's talk about the relationship for a minute. When you have a parent and you have a child, the parent is an authority figure over the child. Naturally. That's how it naturally is. Okay. When you're an adult child, you become the authority figure over your parent without, they're not a child. You can't make, make them feel like you're the authority. So it's really an interesting thing. We were just reading something about it and saying, you know, please include your, your parent with a decision making and stuff like that. You have to feel out the person. Yeah. Because sometimes they're like, oh, I don't feel like, do you know, sometimes they're like, oh, I don't know how to do this, and you just have to jump in. Other times they're like, well, what are you doing with that? Or, and then other times it's like, I wanna be part of it. And it's not, oh, just do it. Just do it. It's challenging. It's definitely challenging. And I, and what I find is that you might find this, I mean, I hear about this like the child dictates. It's gotta be, you have to do this, you have to do that, or whatever, you know, but it's a nice, maybe it's a good chance opportunity to be able to listen and to feel what they're feeling and maybe have that power of adjustment and to be flexible and to because I think the most important thing is to maintain somebody's dignity. That is really important. It must be hard to be dealing with all that loss. Right. The loss of all the, all the, I mean, not loss, physical loss, but you're, you're all of a sudden you're like, you don't have the energy for this. You don't have the energy for that. Your parent, your wife died, you. It's like, whoa. Like, what am I supposed to do now? Like, like, isn't it important for somebody to be there during that time? Right. I mean, that could be devastating. Yeah. Like somebody, I think you, somebody said, you know, I don't. Wanna die alone, you know? Yeah. It's, yeah, it's like, I don't know. I mean, we all have to take care of ourselves and like I said, the next episode is gonna be about self-care, and you should never, ever sacrifice self-care for anything. But I, but again, we're back to this same principle, is that every relationship is a chance for you to, on one hand, fulfill, and on the other hand, get over all the negative parts of your own personality. If I, if I'm having, if I have any rigidness, I'm getting cured of it now. Yeah. I'm telling you that I'm getting cured. Right, because one minute he's like this, the other minute he's like this, I gotta be okay with it. Yeah. Like I, you think it's, you think this is what's weird? It's different than kids. This is what's different than kids maybe. Or maybe it's the same. I don't know. I didn't, their kids are more consistent. This is different. Yeah, the par elderly parent will be like, well, you know, I wanna do this and I wanna do that. And then you're like, okay. You're thinking, okay, mentally, okay, I have to set up so that they can get this and that and whatever. And then you say, okay, let's do this. And they're like, nah, I don't wanna do it. Yeah. You're like, so you are not gonna be able to plan, you're not gonna be able to set up, you're gonna have to just be there and just let them negotiate this time of their life and just be there financially. Financially either planning or helping or whatever, health wise, company, family, whatever they need, like just be able to be there. And at first I would say that it's definitely a change, but I feel like if you have this attitude that we're describing now, this attitude of just being there, understanding that they're not gonna be consistent. Yeah, that's the part I think is the most challenging. Is that they're not consistent. Mm-hmm. So you are still in your productive time. So I'm trying to work this into my productive, rigid life, and they're like, well, why don't you come over for the day? Like, okay, I guess I gotta take the day off, dad. You know, like, I mean, I'm laughing, but he was expressing a need the other day and he was like, well, could you say come the day? And I'm like, for me, it's like, I gotta work. But then I said, you know what? Maybe I should take the day off. Right. And he was very happy. Yeah. That worked out so well. It worked out great. Enjoyed it. And he was very happy and it worked out fantastic. Yeah. The important thing about this, about family is that we get an opportunity to, to do the highest karma I call it, because karma is something, it's action, but it is also about what we leave with each other on this journey. And you can take the physical things with you, but you always take the way you feel about things, the way you feel about each other. The it's your heart. Like someone say you take that which you can pack in the suitcase of your heart. Mm. Because you can't take your money and you can't take anything else. So the greatest, blessing that you can give to someone no matter who it is. And I know sometime we can be trying and No, but one thing is to always maintains, try to maintain as much as you possibly can. Their self-esteem or their dignity as much as you can, but also to, even if you can't do it physically, always keep your heart clean in the way you, the memory you have of them. Make sure you're looking at their, what they've achieved, what they've contributed, their value in society. I wanna, I wanna say one other thing, that as nurses, we've been in situations where, let's say there's a parent on the deathbed or whatever, that they're in a terminal situation and we've seen fighting among the siblings. All the negative stuff comes up. Why haven't you taken care of mom? This one's not taken care. This one's taken care. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Theres's a lot of feeling of, negativity around it. And I'm gonna say why it is, because the children are the only ones that can actually do this thing we're talking about. You're the only one that can do it. It's just like a parent is, is like a unique role for the child. Even if like they grow up with their grandparents or they grow up with their friends or they grow up whatever, the parent is unique. Same thing with adult child and parent, elderly parent. The elderly parent wants to feel good about their life and who else can make them feel good about it, except their child, except the ones that they sacrifice their life for basically. Yeah. Who else could make them feel good? So we really are in a position. To help somebody feel dignified, satisfied, feel like their life was worth something, and like you said, how they make you feel that they can go onto their next experience when they pass on or they go onto their next experience. They go on knowing they were loved, they were appreciated, and their time here was valuable and made a difference. What else could anybody want? Really? Yeah, and you as the child, as the adult child, are in a position. To facilitate that in them. Mm. That's why it's elevated karma. Yeah. And I know there's some people who are listening who might say, I had a really bad experience with my parents, or I really Right. Don't even wanna see these people. I hate them. Or, you know, these things have never happened, or whatever. You know, and I know how painful that is. And, but the thing is that because of the authority they had in your life. Because of, let's say there was, a misuse of that authority. The heart, the pain is even greater. And the thing about it is that you don't want to live with that, but these are things that even though you might go through psychotherapy or something mm-hmm. It's very hard to remove that. I, they have, they have shown, there's a lot of studies that show. That if you are depressed or whatever and you go out there and do charitable work or you sort of help other people, that seems to be the only real solution to, to um, that kind of pain, to this kind of pain because it's very deep. It, the wound is very deep and the thing is that you can't even get rid of that memory. Uh, so the only way is to make some kind of effort to. You know, like they say two positive or, I mean, two negative doesn't really make a positive positive. So one, there's positive and there's negative. You know, it, it hurts. Do it for yourself, not to them. Right. Well, here's the other thing, just let last as a principle, and maybe we'll end on this. The principle of karma that Ken is talking about is that whatever the hurt feelings are, if I continually keep thinking negatively about that person, I'm digging my hole deeper. Yeah, I'm digging my whole deep. That's not to say you should put yourself in an abusive situation or that I'm not saying that. No, no. Right. But you can turn it around by changing the way you think and also by doing charitable things. Because even if it's not to that person physically, you doing charitable things begins to lift the burden on you of your pain. You feel, I feel like, wow, I have self-respect. I'm doing something good for someone else. Or sometimes we have the typical, I'm not gonna do that to my kids. You know, that kind of thing. So hopefully you've changed it without the bitterness, but that bitterness needs to go also for your own heart. Yeah. There's one other example, like with my dad, he is pretty good, you know, he was very responsible family man. But he had a way of using, the stick, as a discipline and, all that was the culture too. To be fair. That was the culture of corporal punishment could use belt, whatever. Even school at that time, they, they were doing it. Yeah. That was part of the culture. Yeah. So, I mean, I could remember that and, and think one thing and, and maybe use as to say he was really bad and my mother was really good. My mother did it a little too, anyhow, but you know, like she felt more pain when she's doing it. Yeah, yeah. Anyhow. Well, the father could be more intimidating. I mean, let's face it. I mean, mother is one thing. Mother saying, stop it is one thing, but the father coming in, like the intimidating man coming to beat you up. That's very different. Right. So caring for parents is also to look at your memory. Look at the wounds. Look at the hurt feelings, look at the pain. Yeah. And tell yourself, I need to be happy with me. I need to clean this up and make it positive. And you'll be happy you did that. Even though it might be hard, it might take a lot of effort. But always take the higher moral ground. And stay tuned because right now we seem to be automatically going into the next topic, which is self-care. Right? Self-care, yeah. So we're gonna talk about that in the next episode, but I hope this gave some, a little tip, a couple of tips, a couple of ideas about taking care of elderly parents, and also the possibilities and the karmic potential and. And some of the challenges there a little bit there, the instability and stuff. But it's also like we were saying, an opportunity to grow yourself and to be able to be such a blessing to someone. All right. So thank you so much for listening. Listening, and we'll see you next time. Thank you very much. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. When you walk into a room, life gets little. You.
