Episode Transcript
Hello everyone welcome, to our podcast, the spiritual relationship My name is Ken Hanuman, and this is my wife. Dr. Anne O'Hare hello, and today's topic is the blessings of a good relationship So how would you define that because one thought comes to mind for me is that You Sometime a blessing can be, let's say, if you receive something, it's a blessing. And also, if you inspire someone else or you gave something meaningful that makes a difference, that's also a blessing. So well, we kind of challenged ourselves on this one because, you know, ordinarily, maybe in the past we would think, Oh, this is how it used to be. And this is what happened. And now it's this way. But I said, let's just talk about what's good about relationships and we'll share our experiences. So I'd like to share. First, I'll share what's good about our relationship and then I'll share a little bit about what's good about my relationship with my family. And I want to say that this is not my first marriage. This is the only thing I'm going to say about the past. This is not my first marriage and my first marriage was not like this. And also my relationship with my family that I'm about to share was not like that. So it has changed. And I'm going to say that spirituality made the difference. So I'm going to try to weave in, we'll try to weave in spirituality into our sharing. So what am I grateful for? Well, first of all, our relationship, we were both in spiritual study and everything. And we were friends. We were doing service together. We were doing stuff together, within the spiritual service. And we were always together. So we were, when you're with somebody a lot. Even that like companionship because we were doing it for service. So there was no personal there was not much personal. It was just like friendship which I Am grateful for that. So let's start there. I'm grateful for the friendship the companionship The feeling like I'm not alone, that I can share my life with someone and at that time it was just at the level of whatever we were doing for the Meditation or we worked in the same place too. So we shared that as well. When we, when it changed and we became a couple and then it was like, wow, there was a deeper connection. Now there's a connection like I am here for you and your goal fulfillment and your self esteem and your dignity and you are here for my goal fulfillment and my self esteem and my dignity. So now it's not like we're just there for each other for what we're doing, but we're there for each other for like the deep wishes the heart or my self esteem, my self respect. He's invested in that as well. And I I don't know what to say about how, how grateful I am for that. I didn't feel that before and I'm not blaming anybody for that because whatever relationships and situations I had before, I was participating in them. So I don't have any blame or anything. I'm just saying I didn't experience it until this relationship. So now in this relationship, friends. Same interests in life, let's say, and feeling that connection, like respect. And also I'm going to take care of your dignity. You're going to take care of mine. And there's this feeling like, and I'm talking for both of us now, but there's this feeling like you would never hurt the other, like you want it. You don't really, really, really don't want to hurt. So there's a, there's a watchfulness over the self and there's a growth potential there too. So I'm hugely grateful for that. The other thing is, and I know this is true in other relationships that I've heard of couples where it seems like our natural personality traits are opposite. So, which is nice. So I'm like more extroverted and talkative and whatever, and he's more kind of laid back and listening and quiet. That works out. If you have the rest of that stuff, or if you have a relationship that works and you have personality traits that are opposite, they're perfectly complementary. So that's another reason why I'm grateful. I mean, I could go on and on really also like he's, I'm proud of him. That's another thing, I'm just proud of him as a person. So I'm like proud to be with him as a person. You see how like I'm making a list, right? I'm making a list of all these things that have to do with the relationship, but they're all fulfilling me. Every one of these is a benefit to me. That's just the beginning Of how I feel plus we live together. We make decisions together. We do. I mean what could be better, right? Yeah Right in our relationship spirituality or meditation Those things are really very very important to me. As a child I really had that deep Aspiration almost as if one of the things that I would like to do before this life is over is to achieve some level of mastery over the over the mind Your spiritual growth is is very valuable. I I really feel that is that is within the realm of possibility for all human beings, No matter what religion you belong to So when we got married and even before Knowing each other It really, we were so complimentary because we shared the same interests. The thing is that just knowing that somebody respects you, trusts, love, and, and you can, even if, even if we have weaknesses, it's like the weakness doesn't get in the way because you're helping each other through that. That in itself is such a blessing. And, for me, if I'm helping someone, and what I, I give, what I, what I say makes a difference, that makes me feel like I could trust my decision making, right? That I'm not just making decision for myself. And it works, or it doesn't work, but it, it works for, when it works for others, it makes you, have greater faith in yourself, in your intellect. So, being with you has actually helped me to grow and develop a greater faith in, in my own contemplation and this ability to be able to think through things. And, and like I said in the first podcast Everything here is based on this law of karma. Where we bring that into relationship So, it's very complimentary. Um, it's almost like we, we help each other exactly equally. There is no one giving more than the other. Because sometimes one can talk more. But the other one is gaining more internally. And, and that is where it matters, right? The heart, the feeling of, your, spiritual fulfillment, a deeper understanding, spiritual insight, you feel like you can take care of problems. You're not afraid. You overcome a lot of fear through that. So that's what relationship does, and that's what I call a blessed relationship. That you don't really have to be a teacher. Many times you don't even have to know you're doing the right thing Or you're not even trying to be right. You're just trying to be kind and caring and sharing And trusting and that in itself is a is a teaching in itself, you know So I call that a blessed relationship and isn't can we say that the the spiritual practice is the is the key element? I think it is the key element Because none of what we're talking about is based on anything that we're doing or saying. It's based on our, I want to say, for me, I want to say it's my deep, my deep love for the truth. Like Ken was just sharing about that he wants to, master his mind. Like this is very deep. Feeling for him that this is for his whole life. He's felt this way and for me, I feel like The truth is something Even if me like myself my real self my true self Is something that is beneficial for the world. And my I want to experience that I want to understand that and experience it and fulfill that so That is what we're bringing into the relationship, like those two aims or those two fundamental ideas is what came together. And that's so wonderful. So if you're listening to this and you're not, maybe you don't have the same kind of goals that we have. Maybe you're Christian, maybe you're Buddhist, maybe you're Hindu, maybe you're whatever, but if you can bring in some kind of core wish for yourself. And maybe the other person is able to have their core wish and you're both able to fulfill or go after it and work together. The rest of the stuff works out. I can also say maybe if you want to say God had a hand in it, or I think that we both, before we got together as a couple, we had both sworn off relationships because we were done. We were both done and you've heard that I'm sure you've heard that many people say I was finished and then they found right it Was more like for us. It was like we were already friends and everything. We would forget it We're not having any relationships all of a sudden. Well, wait a minute. What about And it was actually perfect. Yeah, so in that sense. I felt like it was a perfect match. So maybe the blessing of a good relationship, one of the blessings of a good relationship is the perfection of it. The ease of it, like you were saying, the ease, the ability to be truly yourself and that you're being fulfilled at all levels. And I think relationships are there for that reason. Yeah. That's why we're doing this podcast. Yeah. Relationships are, it's the opportunity. It's a great opportunity. What you're listening to is as if like we have everything going our way. The, but I, I came from, you can say a big family, five siblings. And, losing parent at a young age. And, there was a struggle. And money was, Not easily available, it was a real struggle. But we, we work together, and help each other. And today, everything, you know, has really turned out pretty good for, for everybody, fairly, so I'm thinking that when you look at the relationship as a whole, it's not like everything goes perfect in your life. It's not like nothing will go wrong, but if you have the right intention, the right feeling inside, It can come together whereby you look back now and you're glad you didn't, you didn't go, Go to addictions or something. Right, fall into addiction, or walk away from the family, or you feel like you can do it on your own, or, everybody's a burden, and I can't handle this, or so on. No. Now it's worked out well. I'm happy because they're happy. Even up till now. I mean, you know, things are up and down in relationships. That happens to everybody. But in generally, if you look at what, how I feel about my sibling and what they probably feel about me, that is where the blessing is. That is where the blessing is. When somebody holds a positive feeling towards you or a feeling of gratitude or inspiration or whatever, somewhere, that's what I call a blessing. Blessing, blessing is what something, how some, how someone make you feel. And if it is good, then that's the blessing. If, we have relationships that don't feel good, like for myself and I don't blame anybody in my family, it's nobody's fault. They're all being themselves. For me, I was having issues. I was having issues with my own self esteem. I was having issues with feeling free to speak or whatever. Maybe I wasn't, feeling, connected with the environment that I was in growing up or, you know, and I, I'm not the only one, I'm sure, I'm not the only one that felt like maybe different than the other people around or maybe didn't feel free or whatever. So when I grew up, the family relationships were, I, I'm not going to say the greatest, not because anything was bad or wrong, but because of the way I felt. And I found that One of the things that we worked on or Ken helped me too was to learn how to take care of myself within the existing relationship. You don't have to break it off. You don't have to, maybe you need to pull back for a while. Maybe you need to pull back and maybe you need to set some boundaries, which is what I did. Maybe you need to like renegotiate it like renegotiate the relationship because let's say for me it was like if I never paid attention to my own needs and I just did whatever anybody else wanted and it turned into this or that kind of interaction and then I felt bad afterwards. Well, I have to change that. Yeah, that's not their responsibility that's mine. So he helped me because he's very good at that by the way. He's very good at this like laws of karma We're going to talk about this on other episodes like how to deal with different relationships how to use the laws of karma How to be able to set boundaries that's all going to be part of like what we share. But I was able to do that and now I can say You From my heart that my relationships with these soul these souls these people in my family Have transformed They're happy now They're happy. I'm gonna say it was because I changed It's not them. Looking at it now, I even think that they were innocent. I was the one with the problem Now again, i'm gonna say this if there's abuse involved or anything like that. I'm not talking about that. In my case, there was no like abject abuse, but if, if there is some like clear abuse, that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about the regular family, middle of the road feelings, this kind of thing that you go through that maybe on the outside everything looks okay, but you don't feel free. You don't feel like the relationship is a blessing. And now I can say, my dad is elderly, he's 78 and where I'm taking helping to take care of him And now, my sister is in new york and a little far away, but my relationship with her is transforming. So I feel My heart feels a lot better because it's not easy to feel at odds with your family And I got to say I can't be the only one that feels that way either. So when i'm talking to the camera I'm saying to anybody who's out there, if you feel like you're at odds with your family And the abuse is off the table. It's just like a regular thing, but maybe you wish you could feel more Happy or more fulfilled or maybe connect with the actual goodness and blessing of those relationships, keep listening because we're going to keep talking about different principles that you can Work on because you've worked on your relationship with your family, too. Yeah, it wasn't perfect. He had to do it, too Yeah, there was there was um like my father there was alcohol, played a part and, the relationship between him and my mother, that there was some abuse that, did hurt and it does leave a mark. But what I find with, meditation, I, anything that is, if a memory comes up and it has some sorrow or regret or pain there, I, begin to change. I don't want it to live there forever. I want to fix it and I want to be able to let it go. So what one of the powerful thing about meditation is that once you get yourself in a very peaceful state where you can now be, you can observe something detached without any emotion, then you're able to see that the person also had some good, maybe. has this addiction or whatever. But later on, but they also had good values, good qualities, dedication to family, working hard, had our interests at heart, and so on. So, gradually, I worked at it, I worked at it until like now, the memories are not there. And there is an appreciation or love, so it has completely changed. To the point, so. This is another thing about relationship. You can learn also from things that are not really that positive. but that's where you can work on transforming something inside yourself. Yeah. And I mean, one thing I know, like I wouldn't, I just don't like to smoke or to drink or whatever, that sort of thing. Maybe that. And then also. The relationship between him and my mother, like, that, I'll never do that to a woman. I mean, things can be worked through. And that's where, that's where our relationship with a higher power, however you want to, define that personally. There is a way to use a relationship, whatever power or blessing or insight that you get from that, use it to heal others, other relationships, change the perspective, change the vision. And this is how all relationships ultimately can become. There can be some blessing in it. Because the thing is that I don't want to leave with pain and I don't want to leave with any negativity towards anyone. And I know it can be fixed. I remember one time you said, and maybe we can kind of end with this. One time you said, shared with me that you didn't want to leave this earth without feeling like what trust is in a relationship or what true love is in a relationship or something. So if anyone out there can relate to that. Some of us would want that, right? And it's possible. It's possible. I want to say that spirituality is a really good thing to bring into the mix, whatever it means to you with whatever religion or whatever spiritual practice. But I think like you were just saying, implement it and help to heal those parts. I want to say, you can't really change anybody, but as Ken was just sharing, his attitude towards them began to change. The memories began to change. I did the same thing. I had to work through a lot of stuff because I was blaming them for a lot. And it's not fair. You can't really blame other people for how you feel. That takes a while to work that out. You know? I mean, you might be going through some phases in handling it. You might go through that phase of blame or making them accountable or something There's a phase but eventually don't stay there. Right You have to work on it to make it That it has happened You can't change the past but at least don't carry the pain because if you carry The negativity or the pain then it tends to affect your present and your future. But if you kind of let it go forgive, forget, learn, change, find, positive things to remember about them, right? Yeah. And then eventually, you're the one who gets cleared. Forgiveness is really not about the other person. Forgiveness is about you being light and free. We just told the secret. Yeah, that's the secret. Can we say that's the secret the blessing of a good relationship? Is that you are free? Yeah, you are healed you are whole and complete. Who do you live with you're living with your mind all the time? You can't run away from your mind. Why keep pain there, right? So yeah, so blessings can be defined in different ways I just said we should end but just the last thing is that This is the secret because when you change that other people like miraculously transform in front of you It's like it's like a miracle. They learn that they maybe can't treat you the same way or that's the first sign. But then they learn well, then you kind of renegotiate that relationship and then all of a sudden it's like great Yeah, it's like great. How is that possible? Well, it is possible So keep listening and we should end right? So let's end on that note and just the blessings of a good relationship starts with You okay. So we'll see you next time. Thank you for joining us. Thank you. Bye. Bye
