Episode Transcript
My name is Ken Hanuman, and this is my wife, Dr. Anne O'Hare, we both work in healthcare and have been meditating for many years. We also enjoy a happy and fulfilling marriage. Come listen and see how to demystify spirituality and bring it into your home, your hearts, and in all your relationships. We will share our experiences and how we use these principles in everyday life. Welcome to the spiritual relationship. Hello everyone. Welcome to today's podcast. The name of the podcast is The Spiritual Relationship. My name is Ken Hanuman, and this is my wife, Dr. Anne O'Hare. Hello. The topic today is overcoming jealousy. I'm sure you'll all agree that it is a very complex emotion and very destructive in a relationship. It could be a relationship with your partner. It could be a relationship with the people you work with, friends, it is an emotion that makes you feel like you're always in fear and you think you're gonna lose something valuable. And it seems to come from a feeling that you don't deserve or you're not lovable, or that somehow you don't have any control, and you're afraid you're gonna get hurt. Yeah. So it's like you're projecting, like we're projecting that I'm gonna get hurt. I know I'm gonna get hurt. I know nobody loves me. So then I'm in relationship with these people, and then I project, they're gonna hurt me. Yeah, they're gonna leave me. They're gonna, they don't love me. And your mind creates all these scenarios and the, these stories that this can possibly happen, they might be doing that now, or, or they're thinking this about me. They're thinking that about me. Yes. And these stories that you, that your mind is creating, it is. They're never really true or, it doesn't allow you to see things as they are. It doesn't allow for, for you to build a proper relationship. This is, this is serious stuff, what we're talking about right now, isn't it? Because like you, you really, the person I could talk about myself. Like right now, I'm dealing with a situation. Well, we're gonna talk about the cure. Mm-hmm. Okay. Because we have the cure. All right. We have the cure, but let's share just for a second. We can share a little bit. I mean, we both have experience with this. Okay. My experience with it is usually at work or with some organization, and it's usually that I feel like I'm being held back. They're not giving me opportunities. And then when other people get opportunities or other people get this or that, then I feel jealous. Like I've shared on, on, I don't think I've shared on this podcast, but I was up for a job one time years ago and I really, really, really thought I deserved it and I didn't get it. I was qualified too, and I was absolutely devastated. The jealousy was that I didn't feel comfortable around the person who got it. I didn't feel comfortable around my boss. So what is it? Am I actually jealous of them or am I just feeling inadequate? Am I just feeling bad about myself? It's a very destructive feeling, and I like what you said about it keeps me from seeing what really is happening. And it's keeping me from being in relationship with them, I'm actually isolating myself, isn't it? Yeah. And the fear of being hurt or humiliated prevents you from trusting. Yeah. And it, you always seem to, be on guard or you don't wanna be vulnerable, you know, you don't wanna, and you feel alone, you don't feel like you're connecting and that's not, that's not the foundation you wanna build a relationship on, you know, especially in a marriage. My experience is that for some, I don't know why. My mind will think that, you know that you would, that you will definitely. I don't really deserve your love or your trust that it will be it, that it is possible that there'll be somebody else that is better looking or with, better qualities or whatever. Something like that. So your mind is building stories, so you never really invest yourself in this relationship. That's an important point. It's like you're keeping yourself out of it almost. Yeah. You're keeping yourself from committing. Yeah. So then what happened? So I realized what my mind was doing was not true, was destructive, and most of all I begin to realize my mind is the enemy, not the person. There was nothing in a person's behavior that tells me that, there's anything about that you were gonna get hurt or something. Yeah. Right. And there was a lot of assurance, where you were telling me, I'll never ever do something like that. Mm-hmm. You know, and I know that to be true, but then the mind would still come up with stories, and then it's almost like a doorway opens and then the mind starts to create these other scenarios. And these are the possibilities. And it's like, what's the relationship? Why is my, why my mind so determined to deprive me of happiness, you know? Mm. So the enemy is the mind in this case. And I decided I'm not gonna let that happen. 'cause it not, it's not substantiated by anything in life, in reality. In reality, nothing's really happening. But you, you said a good word there. You said trust. And we were talking about it before we started recording, and I think we both agree that the cure for jealousy is trust. That you have to decide that you're going to trust. It can be a tall order, but I, in this case we're talking about, one-on-one relationship. But it could also be with an organization, it could be with anything my goodness. Jealousy could also be that you're angry, you're resentful, you're, isn't it? Like you could be angry and resentful and feeling disconnected. You feel like you, they don't deserve what you have to offer. There's all different ways of contorting this jealousy feeling. 'cause the jealousy feeling is really the feeling that I'm not worthy. Yeah. I'm not worthy of being happy. I'm not worthy of people caring about me. I'm not worthy of being an equal valued part of this scenario. As I'm saying it, I'm, I'm actually feeling a little emotional. Can you all feel like we, we really, we talked about this for like a good 15 minutes before we started recording because I really felt like I wanted to get to the heart of what this is all about. It's all about feeling like I'm unlovable. Yeah. I'm not worthy to be in this group or this relationship. And I believe that. And so you were saying that you made a decision that you were not gonna believe that anymore? Yeah. And that you were gonna trust the relationship. And you did. And then what happened? Because I'll tell my story. What happened? What happened when you did that? Yeah. The, the moment that revelation came to me, I was, I was lighter, I was more open to seeing the wonderful qualities in you and to feel fortunate to feel, this is what I've always been looking for. The relationship in which I feel valued and, and, uh, and that I can actually experience the reason why people get into relationship because it really helps both person to become emotionally mature to be better persons. But you have to allow that. You have to have trust. You have to be able to surrender into that relationship. And then you get the best out of it. And when you feel safe inside, when you feel, like you have, higher self-esteem and deep appreciation for who you are, then you become powerful. There's, there's some power in you that you can now help others. You can make a difference with because when you come from a place of conviction that this is the only way that you're gonna understand how relationship is a necessary thing. It's really important that you can get the best out of a relationship. What I mean is that when we have values or when we have qualities or, or so on, qualities like love or happiness. These things can only be fully experienced when you have trust and you feel a sense of belonging. And, uh, and you give your whole self into that relationship. What comes back is, you believe in life. You are, you're so happy to be alive. Yeah. And, and that you're, you know, you feel so fortunate about everything. I just love what you just said, that you believe in life. How wonderful you believe in life. Because it's not just about a couple. It's not just about whatever. It's all relationships. All relationships. It's all relationships. We can feel unworthy in whatever all those feelings can happen anytime. In the last episode we talked about overwhelm, which is about helplessness. In the episode before that we talked about loneliness, which is about depression. Like getting into a deep feeling, a sinking, terrible feeling inside. These are things that we all, I'm gonna say, we all experience maybe on some level. But we don't have to keep experiencing it. There are ways to overcome it. You have to be ready. I recommend, and I would say we recommend a spiritual path. We recommend meditation. We recommend spiritual knowledge because all of that supports that healing and that getting stronger, like you just said. When you get strong enough, you're able to say no to that thing and say yes to trust. Yeah. You recognize where the, who is the real enemy? Who is the real enemy? It's not them. It's this what's going on in my head and that I believe it. Yeah. I've been believing it. One day you won't believe it and the day you don't believe it, then there's two things happen. I don't believe you anymore and I trust and I'm gonna trust. So, with me with this situation, I'm with the group that I'm talking about. I recently, a couple of days ago, had a similar experience where I really, I've been feeling the pain, off and on for a long time, but it came to a head a couple of days ago and I had no reason to feel so hurt. Yeah. I had no reason, and this is how meditation and spiritual effort can help us. I had the feeling, but I also had the objectivity. Yeah, right, because I was on the phone with you. Right. And wasn't I also objective? Yeah. Like even though I was feeling it, I still knew something knew that maybe it wasn't true. Right. So therefore the believing it began to calm down. And I said, trust is the answer I have to trust now. If I'm not gonna believe that anymore, trust is the answer. And then so I'm taking my cue from you. That you said once you did that, that you were able to fully experience the relationship in this relationship? Yes, and from my part, I am totally happy and fulfilled 'cause he's a wonderful person, a powerful, amazing person, and I feel very fortunate to be together. So it's a mutual thing. Yeah, it's mutual because, I mean I grew up seeing, like witnessing domestic violence and and see some of the issues that they argue with and the extent to which they would, they would hurt each other. Yes. And I realized when you see these things growing up, you probably feel that that can happen in your life also. You know? But you have to thank God or whatever. You know, your stars that you have someone that you are able to work through that and now really and truly experience a wonderful relationship that empowers me, that makes me free, that enables me to trust and I'm able to be much lighter and happier in life. Relationships are really the foundation for happiness. You know, the right relationship. Yes. Can, can, you need to get it right. Can relationships help heal? Can the relationship itself help heal the jealousy? I think it can. It can 'cause that support can be helpful, right? Yeah, it does. But also you need to know. No, the problem is in here. Yeah. You need to, but, but the other person can be cooperative. Yes. Yeah. They can be cooperative. Like they know what you're s like, I'm not gonna, it's over now. It's gone now, so I don't have to worry like we're beyond it. Can you imagine being in a relationship where you're totally beyond jealousy? Right. Wow. Is it possible? Yes, it is. It is possible. Yeah. I mean, like I, we had even before we got married, right? Mm-hmm. There I saw you talking to somebody. Mm-hmm. And I, for one incident, which I totally, I. I went off on my, you know, on mm-hmm. On, on my, I don't know what your mind does with that buildings. Oh, if she's doing this, then this is what is gonna happen in the future. And I start predicting this and that, and I'm thinking, oh, what's the point? Maybe we should not move forward in this, whatever. And that was purely I, later on I realized that came totally from my upbringing. Upbringing. Wow. Wow. And it had no business in truth. I'm so happy that you were, you allowed for it and you made the, you, you are willing to make the change, not because you were doing anything wrong mm-hmm. But because you, uh, to make you feel more comfortable. Yeah. And what difference does it make to me? I mean, you know, I just want you to feel comfortable. Yeah. So, you know, this is what we could do for each other. So that, so that's an example of how, like if I grew up in a certain way or you grew up in a certain way, maybe the other person can be sensitive to that and help and help. They can't get rid of the jealousy, but you can help little make a little adjustment to make them feel more comfortable. Isn't that love? Right? I'm sorry, but isn't that love? Well, that is love in action. That is love in action. Yeah. You can say I love you, but when you are willing to make these adjustments. And accommodation, that is really the, the proof of love because the other person heals and then everybody benefits from that. Yes. And he helps me because he listens to me all the time. I like talk, I talk everything through, right? Mm-hmm. So having someone who's willing to listen all the time, generous listening, caring, listening. Always with the idea that I'm gonna get through it, like, you know, I'm gonna get over it. He never reacts to anything. He always knows that I'm gonna get over it. That kind of support, that's how you support me, right? The I supporting you, you support me. So we can help each other. We can't do it for the other person. Yeah. But you can, you, you can support them by giving that, by making that adjustment or giving that help. Okay. Okay. That was a good topic. Right. As you can see, we get a little emotional talking and I, so it's, we're sharing experience. Okay. So, um, this is real. This is real. This is real. But the cure is real too. Yeah. And the potential is real too. Okay. Well, thank you all for listening and we'll see you next time. We'll see you next time. All. Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. When you walk into a room, life gets little. You.
