Episode Transcript
My name is Ken Hanuman, and this is my wife, Dr. Anne O'Hare, we both work in healthcare and have been meditating for many years. We also enjoy a happy and fulfilling marriage. Come listen and see how to demystify spirituality and bring it into your home, your hearts, and in all your relationships. We will share our experiences and how we use these principles in everyday life. Welcome to the spiritual relationship. Hello everyone. Welcome to the Spiritual Relationship Podcast. My name is Ken Hanuman and this is my wife, Dr. Anne O'Hare. And today's topic is being flexible in relationship. This is a very powerful, we call it a power itself, actually. It. It's a power that we need to make a relationship work, because no two human beings are the same. We have different personalities. In a marriage, if you really do care for the marriage and you put that first, then flexibility means that you're learning to adapt to changing situations. You're learning to negotiate the differences that you, we have. And as needs arise, we are evolving. And, you really want the relationship to succeed and not only to succeed actually, you want to actually be happy Yeah. In the relationship. So this is not something intellectual. This is something from the heart. Like if my heart is in the relationship, if then I put that person first, and I'm willing to be adaptable. You know, I'm willing to mold and to flex and to accommodate, to make it work. And what I find over the years is that there was no denial of self. There was no deprivation. Actually, I learned a lot about myself using this power flexibility, and it actually helped me to think of, I'm convinced now that thinking only of myself or being rigid in what I think is right is actually an impediment to happiness and relationship. So being flexible, being flexible is a conscious decision. It is a skill that you have to practice. And the more you practice it, you'll see a lot of benefit from it. So we. I dunno. Would you like to, well, what is your thoughts on flexibility? Yeah. When we were talking about this before we started this episode, I was very surprised to see how deep this actually is. You know? Yeah. I feel that sometimes when you think about flexibility or whenever I've heard about flexibility in the past, it's always been talking about behaviors. Yeah, like be flexible, be agreeable, whatever. But they don't talk about the heart of it. Why are you being agreeable? Yeah. They just want you to be flexible. But why? So for me, the most important part of this is what Ken just said, is that we want our relationships to be good. We want to be happy, we want positive outcomes. And I'm underlining that now because we're about to talk about three spiritual powers that we talk about in Raj yoga, but they're specifically related to this flexibility topic. Because you're learning how to harmonize yourself with others. There's the power to tolerate, the power to accommodate and the power to cooperate. Yes. And those three powers, and we're gonna talk about them now, but before we talk about them, you must have an aim. Because let's say in a moment where let's say I lose my temper, whatever that means. I'm losing my temper and I'm yelling at somebody. What is my aim at that moment? Yeah. Is my aim to be happy, is my aim to have a good relationship with that person? I would assert that my aim in that moment is either to destroy them because I'm convinced that they're hurting me. I'm trying to dominate them. I'm trying to be right, or I just feel so completely out of control that I'm just lashing out in rage or something like that. There's no real aim. My heart is not involved in that moment. I would say any of us who are in touch with our heart wants good relationships. Yes, I would say all of us want that. So having said that, my first thing to say is think about. What do I really want in my relationships? Yeah. Right and get in touch with that. Yes, I want to have a happy marriage. I want my relationships with my family to view it. Even if you don't know how it's gonna happen. Don't worry about how it's gonna happen right now, but at least get in touch with the feeling and the aim and the, the idea that it's possible to have this. Then when we talk about the powers, all of the things that we're doing are aiming to get that. We're aiming to have that harmony, right. Because, I mean, as human beings, we don't we really don't wanna be alone. We wanna be with others, we enjoy Yeah. And be happy. Yeah. We enjoy friendship, we enjoy, you relationship with siblings or even with your parents and, you know, any, everything, even just society and the country or whatever. You want to have a good feeling about things and about relationship. Before we get into the powers, can I just say one thing? Just one quick thing. Somebody out there might be thinking, well, what are you supposed to do if they're abusing you, what are you supposed to do? If this is like, I can't even talk to these people. How am I supposed to have a positive relationship with them? I'm gonna say, and I hope Ken will agree with me. If you're in a situation like that, it's okay for you to take care of yourself first. Yeah, before you start reaching out towards the people, it's okay. And I recommend that. I've done that in many relationships and they've all been transformed now that I'm back in because I had to pull myself out for whatever reason. I'm not blaming anybody, but please take care of yourself first. We're not saying, go and do this. If you feel hurt inside, you have to take care of the hurt first, but you can still. After I take care of the hurt and take care of myself, it is possible to have positive outcomes in relationships. Yeah, I mean, I've looked at my relationship with my siblings and, at a certain, as they were growing up, being the eldest. As they grow up and as they, have their own families and whatever, I had to show some flexibility. And change the way I talk or the way I relate or thinking I have to take care, I have to change to, I'm happy they're independent and they can think and they make whatever, And then it turned into just being a, just being here if you need me. Like natural sort of, you know, like natural. Yeah. That at work, I had this incident too where, you know how it is, everybody is, ambitious and everybody is, they don't mind stepping on each other to, to, because of a certain position or promotion or wanting to be the pet of the boss or whatever. I told myself, I don't want to be on this in struggling or be what, what do you call that? Like you're fighting, you know? Mm-hmm. I always remember this one example people, if you put crabs in a barrel and they're all trying to get out of the barrel, right? But they keep pulling each other down. You watch them, one goes up, the other one goes and pull you other one down, and that's not how you want to live. So I changed my whole attitude towards it. And I knew what I was good at, focused on that, use that to help give up the ambition for certain promotion. In any case, my job was secure, whatever I was entitled to, I got. But anyhow, I gave up this, rat race attitude and eventually what happened is that the relationship was great and the feeling towards each other was, was more respectful. So this is, and I enjoy that. and I feel like that in itself is such an achievement that it wasn't worth the crab-like behavior. Yeah. So this is the example of like taking care of yourself and that can also help you be able to be more flexible and be more cooperative and have the good relationships like with your family or with work. Same thing with me at work, with my family, same situation. I was able to pull myself back, get myself together, take care of my feelings, and then come back in and be flexible, be more cooperative, and then the relationships are turning out great. Yeah. So, let's talk about, uh, tolerate the power to tolerate. So in the power to tolerate, it's, sometimes it's different than what we think about. What I heard tolerate is like, oh, I'm tolerating you. It's not like that. It's more like I see the differences. I see where I used to be reacting. Mm-hmm. I see the things where I used to be reacting to, and now I'm going to decide that I'm not gonna react. I'm gonna try to accept the situation as it is, and I'm gonna have a positive feeling about the other people. So the symbol of the power to tolerate is a tree. Like let's say it's an apple tree. So if you have, the pope, a serial killer and a third person, normal person there, the all three of them will get apples. Yeah. So it doesn't matter. So the point of tolerating is that I'm learning how to have stability, like I'm not reacting. Yeah. And I'm learning to have, even if it's buried under like the princess and the pea, like buried under the 20 mattresses. I still have a little pea of a positive aim for the relationship. Remember, you wanna have a positive aim. So that's the power to tolerate. You have anything to add on that one? Another example would be like a river, a stream coming down from the mountain. And even there's a rock in the way it goes. The around the rock yeah. But it gets to where it, where it's gonna go. Right to the ocean. So that's a very good example of flexibility. Yes. And that's like the next power. The power to accommodate is like that, where the water kind of just rearranges itself based on the situation in the power to tolerate. I'm trying to maintain my stability and find the little of positivity while I'm trying to, while I'm trying to stop myself from reacting. In the power to accommodate, I have a little more power and I don't feel like I'm struggling so much. It's more like I see what's going on in front of me and I'm able to easily shift like the water going around the rock. I'm easily able to shift, to be able to make the situation go smoothly. Yeah. And you're also in the power to accommodate, you're also starting to become sensitive to the needs of others. Yeah. Whether they're expressing them verbally or not, you're starting to become aware. I. have a quick example of this, if that's okay. I was doing a meditation class at work and we were in the office and I had four people and we were doing meditation and in the middle of the meditation and there were, the lights were low and the music was playing. So the clerk came in and started being very loud and saying, I was taking care of this patient and I had to call them three times and blah, blah, blah. And she was like, I mean, you could call it totally disruptive, right? But two things I was aware of. At that moment, one is that those four people were watching how I was gonna react. Yeah. Because I was the meditation teacher. I was the one that was supposed to be an example. So I knew that they were looking at me like, how's she gonna handle this? Yeah. The second thing that I was aware of is that I didn't know what to do, so I just decided to go silent. So in that moment, I used the power of silence, which is another power, and I just went completely silent. And I was listening, but I was be, I was watching myself and trying to be quiet as I was doing that. I heard what that person really wanted. Mm. It's like I heard it and she was going ba and I, but I heard she wants to be validated. That's what I heard. So I said, you know, I'm so happy you came in. Thank you for coming. Thank you for telling me that you did such a great job with that patient. Oh my goodness, I'm so happy you came in. I'm so glad that you told me that. Thank you so much. You did a great job. And she said, okay, bye. And walked out. And it was like, you see how that was the power? First of all, I'm tolerating and I'm also accommodating. Like I'm just letting her be how she is, and I could hear what she needed. And it was also cooperation because then the third part was that I actually gave her what she wanted. I hope you can see that's actually a good example of all three. Yeah. Tolerate, accommodate, and then cooperate. So cooperate. You wanna say something about accommodate? Yeah. Well the, the other example I was thinking is at work too, we see a lot of patients, they coming, they're all, I mean, these are people that might be having their own stuff. A lot of things to talk about. Mm-hmm. And, when they come to you, they're not expecting you to be, they're expecting you to be a professional, you know, and to pay attention and to listen. And then they want something, some relief. And I find that it is, it's an amazing skill to, to have, because it is possible to be in the moment, to be present while you're listening, and to not only listen to the words, but listen to how they feel. Hmm. And maybe you can even pick up when there might be something that they is going on, but they don't really wanna even put it in words, but you can able to tell 'em it's okay. Yeah. And to express themselves. And as long, a lot of times you might not have all the answers, but if you show like you listen, you understood, and that you can. You, you can direct them to, a source that can probably help them even though you can't help them or whatever you can do within your power, you do. That good intention. It speaks to their heart and their feeling and their trust. And that's cooperating. That's cooperation. That's cooperation. Yes. So can you see how like all three of those things kind of flow into each other? Right. First, I'm trying to deal with my reactions. And I'm trying to maintain a little of positivity that's tolerate. Accommodate is when I feel a little bit stronger and I'm able to flex myself. I don't have to be right, I don't have to react. I'm just now just being able to go with the flow and be harmonious without sacrificing my own self. I'm not. I'm able to do it. I feel okay. And then cooperate is when you're sensitive to those inner feelings of others. Maybe they're not expressing them like we said in words, but you get a sense that this is what they need and you're able to give it. And that's a beautiful power actually. And actually it, it makes you more, if you wanna say more attractive, because people realize you're not out to prove anything. You're not out to, make yourself in, in a egoistic way. You know that you are your greatest thing., yeah. That happen. Or they should listen to you because you think you're great, you want to impress them. No. Flexibility is about letting go of the all that rigidity and all that. we call that self, aggrandisement. Yeah. Self importance. Because when you help or make you make that person feel a little better, you actually realize you have just discovered a power that you had that never really. It was used before. And actually this makes you, makes your heart feel so much lighter, when you can touch somebody in this way. And isn't that nice to know that you have that quality and that ability? People trust you. Then I was just gonna say, it develops trust, right? In all relationships, people can trust you at work, you can trust yourself, you can begin to trust yourself. It's interesting, right? We never learned this. Really, this wasn't learned. It's all about the external, like trying to get ahead or something. But this sensitivity with the aim, like you have to have the aim. I want things to be good and I wanna be happy and look how beautiful things can turn out if I can learn to introspect, tolerate, accommodate, and eventually cooperate. You create trust and stability and self-respect. Yeah. And it comes back in, a marriage. Also, you, if you learn how to, maybe you can read body language a little, you can understand the other person, what they're going through, what the day was or whatever. And you have a little bit of patience and an attitude of, let me understand before I, say the wrong thing or in an impulsive way. I become angry and upset or whatever, and then later on you realize I shouldn't have done that and I just made matter worse. And these little steps in relationship goes a long way. So, I think if anybody have this dimension to their personality, it makes them more attractive and rather than just physical decorations. What about some, like, your personality is attractive, like, yeah. Yeah. What about a spiritual, decoration And who wouldn't? Like somebody who's just listening and there to help at the time of need? And don't we wanna be that kind of a person also that's also self-respect. Yeah. So you can call that a decoration of power. you could call that a fragrance. Hmm, because your aura is different. You see how deep, much deeper this is than just external, right? Yeah. There's a whole lot in there and a whole lot available to us. And also the outcome can be wonderful in relationships. Okay, all right, so I guess we'll leave it there. Thank you for joining us in this discussion today, and we'll see you next time. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. When you walk into a room, life gets little. You.
